Disaster

Ever since the disaster that happened Sunday, I haven't quite been stable about my emotions. I'm never content. I wish to lash out and hit something (or someone) when things go wrong....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I've never been like this before? Is it apart of my depression? Is this Karma's way of telling me that what happened Sunday was my fault?! I mean; COME ON! I feel guilty enough as it is. I need answers, and not nightmares tonight. I had a flashback today, and it made me cry.



Depression is unusual, and I have the support, just not the motivation.

Signed and Laced with Dreams,
Tandice

Strenght

Your mask is strength. You try hard to fend for yourself. You do not let others do things for you. You often need to be in control of a situation, even if you can't handle it alone. You are always putting on a front, even if you don't feel strong at all. You don't let others see you when you're vulnerable, because you barely let your self be. Despite your flaws of always trying to act strong, you are a strong person, with strong character that can do anything you put your mind to. A lot of the times you really don't need anyone, and are perfectly capable on your own. However, there are times you find yourself wanting to let someone in but are not really sure how to.



This suits me qutie well. Perfectly, actually.

Signed and Laced with Dreams,
Tandice

Lack of Posting

Some things have gone on lately. Bad terrible things. And I had suddenly stopped blogging. I feel terrible about it. But I think while I was away I had the chance to find apart of me...a part that was always there, under all the things that have happened.

So, this person has thrown a lot of stuff on us lately. This perosn was my problem last post, and has led us to a lot of things. They were on house arrest lately, because their friends picked them up in a stolen car, and they didn't know, but they were still charged. They were on house arrest until the court date, but yesterday, they decided to cut off the anklet from house arrest and run. They had an hour after they left to come home and only be charged with cutting it off, but they didn't come home until later that evening....and I had to watch them arrest him. Yes, he's one of my best guy friends, and it is a guy. His mom was over there and she was one case.

I woke up yesterday morning to find out that he had cut it off. His brother acted ok, but he was a mess. Just like me. I spent quite some time in the bathroom, crying my eyes out. Then later, I was talking to his brother, and we both cried for 5 minutes. But he told me that he didn't want to see his brother arrested, so my aunt took us to the Dollar Tree, and his mom was so thankful....until we arrived home too early. We got there in time to see him walking out in cuffs....

It's hard to see your best friend get arrested, so natrually I started balling. So did his mom, and my aunt gave her a hug, and his brother hugged her, and then he came in our garage and I was already crying, and he started to cry too and then his mom came over and kept crying and telling him it would be ok and that it wasn't the last time we'd see him. And she looked at me and hugged me. I've never felt so loved before. Just to have her hug me and tell me it would be alright was enough to rip my heart apart. Then I realized my cousin watched it all.

My cousin is 3...and he looks up to him like a brother....and he came to me and said, "He's goin to jail, TanTan..."

It broke my heart.

So I was slowly stopping my crying and his brother and mom had gone back to his dad's house (their parents are divorced) and when their mom came back out she looked at me and mouthed, "It'll all be ok."

She was (and still is) really concerned about me. And I'm concerned about her.


So as you can guess, I'm crying again, as I type this post. I have hit my depression again. I feel like I'm going to get sick all the time, and I'm always crying, and I'm irritable, and no I'm not PMSing, but it just breaks my heart.

Even though this has happend, I realized something...I still care for this person, even if they don't care for me as much. Or maybe they do. I don't know, but I still haven't given up on this person, because they know me, I know apart of them, and I know that he wishes to be a good person again...he's just lost.

Signed and Laced with Dreams (and a few tears this time),
Tandice

I don't know of a title...

I'm not sure what to talk about today. There is something going on, but I'm not allowed to talk about it. Not that that has ever stopped me before, but I'm actually going to follow this rule-for once.

Things have really gone from good to terrible in a matter of an hour yesterday. It's not going to be a pretty month. It was going great until yesterday. Something bad happened. It's what I'm not allowed to talk about. See you still don't know anything.

Thanks to those who say I'm a great writer. I'm trying (and possibly failing) to write a book. I just don't have the will power right now.

Well, I have nothing else to say, except that I need some good luck!

Signed and Laced with Dreams,
Tandice

A thought....

So, I'm the type of person who always has the future on mind. That's just how I am. It started just over a year ago. About the time I started crushing on Bryce to the max. It's sort of a dream, but at the same time it's just a possibility.

The way Bryce acts around me, my family, and just people, it's almost like we're dating again. He's so sweet to my cousin, polite to my aunt and mom, not afraid to flirt with me in public, and around me....he tries to hide how much he likes me. He's just easily persuaded by me.

But back to the whole thought thing/dream. I get reminded it alot, especially when he's messing around with my cousin. I pictured what it would be like to marry him. Wearing a very elegant gown, non-traditional colors, Bryce in a tux....(this is where my heart melts) and the way he glances at me as he says "I do", the soft, formal kiss he gives me when the words, "You may kiss the bride" are spoken.

I see a nice house, maybe in the country, but it's a huge house, lightly colored, pleanty of space. I see a little girl, lightly tanned skin, wavy to curly hair, hanging down her back, running in the yard. A boy, the same size, short cut hair, tanned skin, running after her, laughing as she squeals. I pop out from behind a corner, with our dog barking wildly at me as I pretend to attack the girl (she is my child) and then Bryce sneaking up on our son, lifting him into the air. We go in when the sun sets, putting each child in the bath real quick, then sitting on the couch for a movie. Then, sitting in the kid's room, reading a book, kissing them goodnight, and the soft whispers of "I love you" floating across the room as we shut the door, heading back to the living room to clean up. Happy as can be, beautiful family, my life would be perfect. I would be an author, working at home, Bryce beign a successful person (he's not sure what he wants to do yet) and being home on the weekends. It would be lovely...


But it's only a thought. A huge possibility. Two in Five women marry their first love. I'd be so Greatful to be one of those two.



In other news, it was announced today that I might have a job lined up for me. I'd be babysitting my cousin Five days a week (he's three) and I'd get $50 for wathcing him, then my aunts friend needs a baby sitter, and I'd be watching him too (he's nine or ten) and I'd get $40 for two days (and every other friday) so I'd be making $90 a week! That would be great. I'm so excited.

Wish me luck with the Boy next door, and my job!

Thanks for your comments! *Yes, Julia, I put you in the last post* and SimplyShy, I'll keep you updated on who's correct. Thanks for the advice, Bleu Trumpet!

Signed & Laced with Dreams,
Tandice

Good News, Bad News, And Just...News.

So...To be nice, I'm going to give you the bad news first.

Bryce and I didn't last. Nope, actually we broke up on the 7th of June, (that's a week ago....yikes!) But he broke up with me, thinking he's such a bad person. I didn't cry. I knew it was coming, right? But I'm totally over it. Not over him, for Pete's sake; no. But whatever, right. We're friends, and that's more than I could ask for....since us being friends is like us dating in some ways. Honestly, not a lots changes when we date. *Shrugs Shoulders*

Good News is next.

My doctor gave me the OK to just be freee. I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Well, besides steal a car and get arrested....among some others, but that's the major.


The Just good to know news.
I'm stuck on this song: Day I Die by Elias. It's amazing. Elias is a good singer too. But yeah.

SO, since I'm such a bad blogger, I decided to add some quotes.

"So i'll walk the plank & jump with a smile. If i'm gong donw, I'll do it in style. You won't hear me surrender."

"I Don't miss you. I miss having somebody care for me the way you always did before she came around."

"I know I'm usually hangin' on. I used to hate to see you gone. But this time its different. I don't even feel the distance-I'm not missing you."

"I dont miss you....I miss the person I thought you were."

"It's too late to say you're sorry. You've been gone from here too long. I hope you found what you were missing, cause I don't miss you here at all."

"& Sometimes you just have to acknowlege the fact that your friends aren't always going to listen to you even when your only looking out for them. But once their heart gets broken again. Maybe they will finally realize it."

"He isn't my boyfriends, but I love his hugs. His smile, his advice, his kindness, and the times when we laugh together. I guess I fell in love with our friendship."

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another one of them will fall for the other. Maybe temporarily. Maybe at the wrong time. Maybe too late. Or maybe just forever..."

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could just go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there."



So, Yeah, that's it for the quotes for now.

Bryce thinks it's fun to make fun of me because I'm afraid of spiders. Bryce still likes me. I still like him. Crap.

People have been taking a vote on how long they think it'll be until he asks me back out, now that I'm living next door.
Me: 6 Months to a year. (only because he needs his time.)
Ben (Bryce's lil brother): 1 month
Julia: 1 month
Mom: you should just say no because of his phases, but if you're happy.....

Now it's your turn. Comment, according to what I've told you, and your judgement on guys. Please and Thank You!

Signed & Laced with Dreams,
Tandice

A Poem

My dear friend, Julia, has recently lost someone close to her. He was a friend, a friend who was almost more than a friend. The only thing between them was distance. In honor of him, Justin, I wrote a poem. It's sad, I fear, but it shows meaning. Please comment, and any words shall be passed on.


Left Me
By: Tandice K****
June 6, 2009


What in the world just happened?
Life is standing still.
I can’t breathe,
Can’t eat,
It isn’t possible to see.
My tears crowd out my thoughts,
Running rivers down my face,
It’s not possible,
Not probable,
For you to just go away.
Is love so righteous?
So ignorant?
So bold?
That you could leave me here,
Washed up and away forever,
Broken into pieces,
No answers left in the world.
What is it?
What could it be?
That led you to leave,
To be without me?
I tried so hard,
I told you I cared,
I wanted you in my arms.


What just happened to me?
Was I left here to be forgotten?
A figment of your imagination,
So unreal that you could do this?
You left me here,
Drowning in my tears.
My sobs so silent,
People begin to worry.
I wish to be with you,
Darling,
Love,
Filling the world with purple skies.
I think of you,
How you have just left me here,
Not breathing,
Not eating,
Not sleeping a wink.


Should life be so hard?
Must love be so cruel?
To take your soul away from me,
I hear your laugh;
It’s dancing in the breeze.
I see your smile;
It’s reflected in the water.
I see the future;
It’s suddenly so empty,
Bare walls,
Picture-less halls,
It seems the world has grown so small.
I see no hope,
I feel no joy,
I no longer wish upon a star.
I was there for you,
Waiting for the chance,
The moment you’d say yes.
But suddenly you’ve vanished.
Gone to the unknown,
Leaving me-
My love-
All behind.



May he rest in peace.

Signed & Laced with Dreams,
Tandice :'(

Nice Guys

To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because thats how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her. ....
To every guy that she cried in front of...
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.....
To every guy that would give his seat up...
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy THAT TRIED TO SHOW HOW MUCH HE CARED THROUGH EVERY WORD AND EVERY BREATH.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.


Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...




*tears up* that is so sweet! I think I'm going to write this down and then test Bryce on this one day....probablly in about a month, Because WE WILL MAKE IT THAT FAR!!!!!!

Signed & Laced With Dreams,
Tandice

Like, OH MY GOOD-ISH to The MAXX!!!!!

Well....... Brace youselves for this one.





Bryce's Girlfriend was cheating on him......






And....











....







HE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*tries (and fails) to squeal*

Yes, as of today, Bryce and I are dating, which really suprised my mom and aunt since the last time I really got hurt by him, but see, last time there was someone else involved and that kinda messed it up. I'm just hoping that it isn't going to happen again....Scratch that I am NOT going to let it happen. No way in no how. I'm guarded, not letting myself get too far and too wrapped up in it. It will last.

My surgery, was on gettin those darn-ed tonsils removed, and my throat still aches sometimes, but I just found out that it's going to hurt a lot more when the scabs fall off. GERRRATE....*Sarcasm*

Today I went shoe shopping, and got these killer pair of AirWalks, and These brillant flatts. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!! My sister totally shocked me by saying she didn't like my AirWalks though....I about cried. But my sister has NO taste in fashion, or style. Go figure. I may not care much for how I look, but at least I have good taste AND style.

I find the main thing I'm missing, since I'm on minimal activity, is being the "bubbly" person I usually am. I'm normally the person who will belt out the song stuck in my head while walking down the street, or bust out dancing in mid stride, tripping over myself and landing on the ground while laughing so hard I can't breathe. (Plus there was that one time with the penguin in the pond...HAHA Perky, that was great) CLASSIC. ([Speaking of Bubbly, that is a direct quote from Bryce himslef. He said he was so attracted to me because of my Bubbly personality, and how I just make everything lighten up. He's so sweet!]) But yeah, that's a little bit of me. The singing and dancing at random moments. I love it and I miss it like so.
*mumbles again about the stupid surgery*

Well.....dahlings....I'd really love to stay and chat, but I just recently discovered I have a case of the come-n-go hiccups, and they hurt. Badly.

Signed & Laced with Dreams,
Tandice


p.s. on June 7 (only like *3...4...5...6...7* 4 Days away) is the first day Bryce and I started going out. GAHAHAHAHAH*CoughCough* sorry, I coughed on my own laughter. Tootles!