Monday, September 28, 2009

You tell me.

So, like I said, guy number one from the last post, well he needs a friend. I am becoming that friend.

He told me today that I am the first person to get to know him in a while. Wonder why that is. I mean, to some people he comes off as mean, and I can see that, because that's how it was to me too. And then I started to get to know him, more than he's let anyone else in (in a while anyways) and it gives me the sensation that he needs someone to care for him.

A part of me wants to be that person. Whether it be a friend or more, I want to be the one he comes to when he needs someone to talk to.

What do you think....?


Sunday, September 27, 2009

so much that needs to be said.

I am just so overwhelmed. I want to scream and lash out, hit something, hear the sicking crack of a bone or two, the feeling of knowing you aren't as weak as you feel you are.

So much I want to say! And then when I go to speak my mind I get all jumbled up and nothing comes out right.

Drama is a stupid thing, and people start it for attention. CONGRATULATIONS! you have my attention and it's not the nice kind. I don't trust a single one of you and I probably never will! They had no right to go and say I'm trying to take over first chair. WE HAVE NO CHAIRS! I will fight for what is mine.

The last guy who liked me but had a girlfriend, well I'm kicking him to the curb. He isn't worth my time if he has someone else. I like two guys. I'm not sure who I will like more, but I guess as I become friends with them I will get to know. One is slowly opening up to me. What can I say, I'm easy to talk to. The other, (and i'm not positive) ocasionally is looking in my direction. He's cute, and he's definately true to himself, not some person who has their head shoved up their butt. The first one does have a girlfriend, and I know my place. I'm just a friend and that's how I like it. I'm not sure about the second one.

My sister is getting on my nerves and I just want to beat the crap out of her just to put her in her place. She's nine and likes to think she's on top of the world and that she's in charge. She also likes to blame the reason she hates our house on me. IT'S A DOUBLE SIDED WORLD! YOU PEEVE ME OFF AND I WILL BE RUDE. Yes I am aware I can be a heartless bitc* and I'm proud of it because I'm not going to give away pretend pity. That's just stupid on my half.

So as you can guess, I'm a mess right now. I'm going to go to bed and I guess I'll break down things in the next week or so.

Peeved and Upset

P.S. Do I even have any faithfull readers now that the summer is over?


Saturday was such a good day

up until I came home.

I found out my kitty, Tigger, has been gone since friday night around 2 in the morning. :(

I miss my kitty.


Friday, September 25, 2009


Teasing: a way for boys and girls to show that they like eachother without actually telling them, right?

There is a possibility that you like me...

If so, then maybe I will decide to like you too.

Who knows, I won't until you tell me.

Life has gotten good.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sometimes I just Wanna....

Pull out my hair,
Punch a wall,
Kick in a door,
Cuss out the world,
Get ran over by a car,
Crash a car into a tree,
Give the world all I have, until nothing is left and I can wither away.

My life has been stolen. The devil attacked at my weakest point. And for what? What have I done to deserve this? To have my life snatched right out from under my nose, rubbed in my face everywhere I go? Sometimes I just want to give in. Let go of what matters and screw up my life. Just to see where it would take me.

But right now I don't even want to live. My life is gone.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

A Bunch of Randomness to Get You Thinking

As someone struggles with the fact of life that they are never going to get the person you want, do they date others, wait for the person to finally come to their senses, crush on others but stay loyal to someone you aren't dating, or just totally ditch them? Have you been in that position? Knowing you have someone wrapped around your little finger, and you wish to use that against them?

A raging battle inside yourself. What to do, what to wear, what to do with your hair, which outfit looks great...and for what? You primp yourself, critize yourself, tell yourself that you will NEVER be enough to fill in the place, replace what life was like. Why not just give up on the useless and accomplish something for once?

Over and over you say, "this is it, I'm done with it." Coming in second is not for you, so do you rant and rave or do something about it. Punch a wall, cuss up a storm, kick the rocks, cry, breakdown...sometimes you are at a loss on what to do with life, so you make excuses, you decided not to do anything, just give up your dreams, and forget that you deserve better than this.

"Somehow, somewhere, I fell for you, now I'm trying to find out if I'm going to get up and try again for someone else or if I'll wait for you."


Monday, September 7, 2009

A Month Long Gone

So I have been gone about a month. No word what so ever from me, except your comments being accepted and published on my blog. That was as close as it got for words. So where I last left you all, I had made a comment on Jumper Cables and Friendship. Lets just say my friendship thing got a lot worse.

I lost one of my friends, because I moved. I was all for trying to get ahold of her and she never got back. It's not like I can magically make her answer her phone, so that was a piece of crap. I honestly dont know whether I am happy that the friendship has ended or if I am upset. Right now I'm happy about it but that's just because she was REALLY starting to get on my nerves, letting high school change her like she said it wouldn't. I mean, I said I wouldn't let high school change me, and I've stuck through on that.

I went to a totally AMAZING Nickelback concert. It was great. Hailey, Her mom and dad, and I were all WOOHOO and singing and jumping and I knew all the songs except like one.

Like 3 days before the concert I started Freshman year of high school. The very first day was SO scary. I hardly knew anyone because I moved, and I was like two classes ahead. But all my band friends made me feel welcomed.

That was another thing that I was struggling with in the times I left you all, whether to join marching band or not. I decided to go ahead and join and I AM GLAD I DID. I have met so many people now and it helps.

I dont know if I mentioned knee problems in the past, but I had knee pains and finally I went to the doctor about it. I have what they call PF Syndrome, or Pateller Femeroal Syndrome. The right side of my quads are stronger than the left side and the right side is pulling my knee cap, causing pain and all. So I am no on meds, and I'm going to physical therapy to fix the problem. If it doesnt help then I will probably have to get MRIs and a whole crap load of tests.

So, I've been putting off what a lot of you probably want to know about. Bryce. Well, let's just say he is history. I am done with all of his crap. He took everything too far this time. He went and broke probation EVERY SINGLE DAY since the 13th of August. And then one day he decides to skip school. He steals from his house, the XBOX360, ALL of the 360 games (including a special limited addition of Gears Of War 2), his brother's iPod touch, and his brother's house key. He SOLD all of the XBOX36o stuff, claims someone STOLE his brother's iPod touch (which had a good 100 dollars or more worth of songs and games on it), and was going to GIVE the key to his hous away to some person to STEAL from it to get back at his dad for "turning him into the police." So yes, I am COMPLETELY OVER HIM and will NEVER AGAIN date him or the bad boy type! That is one thing I can PROMISE.

So like, there is this guy (its funny how once you realize that someone was a fake you can easily get over them.) and his name is Xaiver. He is, by far, one of the nicest guys I have met. He is so sweet, and he likes me, and I like him, but there is something standing in our way. He has a girlfriend. And he isn't one to go around and break up with one girl for another. So we aren't dating. But one day I'm sure we will. Until then I'm single (or until I find one guy TO date) and We will just be friends. But it's ok, right?

SO with Marching Band after school Mondays from 3:30-5:30, Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6-9 I have NO time to get on and post, but I was recently gifted with a laptop so that should help. I'm doing my best to find time in my busy life for you all and I PROMISE I will do it. You have not been forgotten and your comments are much appreciated.

Tired and ill prepared for tomorrows practice,