2.6.2010

Dear Josh,

I hate what you do to me. I hate how you make me feel so vunerable, I hate how much I need you, as a friend and as a person. I hate how everytime I think, it relates to you, and I can pretty much garentee that if I were to die soon the last thing to go throug my mind would be you...and I hate that feeling.

Sometimes I stay awake at night just to try and figure it all out.

Why?

I just want to know why I feel this why, and why you don't. I keep telling myself I am going to get over this, that it's just a phase, but I dont believe it anymore than I have the courage to say it aloud. It's crazy to let myself go on with this, and maybe its why I do the things I do that cause me harm, maybe thats why I'm so determined to make you realize that you need me, maybe that's why I haven't written a letter that says goodbye, or left you to fend for youself, or dropped off the face of your world...even though that's what I dearly want.

Dear, dear Josh, Why don't you care? Why do I see things so differently than you, and why don't you just tell me the truth?! Why don't you just tell me to get out of here, to help me get on with my life and to stop worrying about you and myself and what could happen, what won't happen, and what I want to happen? Why is it when I pull away you call me back...is there actually hope that you need me too, just as I need you, as I've told you a million times before?

If I asked you, you would tell me that I don't understand...but maybe I do.

"Don't EVER tell me I dont understand."

Why can't I be strong, like you? Why can't I just come out and say, "Josh, I want you to leave me alone. I don't what anything to do with you anymore, I'm tired of what you do to me, so just leave me be!"? Because, Josh, I know you. I know how vunerable you can be when you have no one to turn to, and the sad truth is: You don't even turn to me all that much. I know you don't. I know that I don't know anything about you, and to know that makes me so sad...I don't even know what to think of it anymore.

And it truely kills me to know that no one even reads this blog anymore. It's like I'm talking to no one, like I'm rabmling on to myself. I just don't see the point in even writing anymore, because no one cares. I smile when I feel I'm not ready to smile, I take the extra step to show that I'm still aware of what I'm going through, but that no one else knows. I hold my head up just so I can get through the day without shedding a tear.

So, dear, dear, Joshua a part of me is leaving you behind. I'm just going to figure out someway to take the rest of me and leave you all behind. Until then, I think I'm going to start finding new ways to get over you. At least until you don't need me anymore...


xoxo,
Amour


P.S.: I have a feeling that when I get over you, you're going to undersand why you need me and come back.